Lessons learned in a mud puddle

We’ve just spent a blessed week with a little girl (whom we’ll call “little A”) and it’s already been a weird adjustment to life without her. But this is something we’ll have to get used to and, in part to always wanting to make my late grandma Bert proud, I want to focus on what we learned during this too-fast week. (Warning: This may be long; I’ve learned a lot!)

1.) Being a foster parent (respite or otherwise) is hard…
    All the regular stuff of being a caretaker of a child for an extended amount of time is hard of course. Dealing with tantrums, potty training, bed times, having a schedule interrupted, etc. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the goodbye and the unknown. Currently, until the baby is born, we are respite foster parents. Which means we are licensed foster parents who provide care for children who already have permanent foster parents and need a temporary home because their foster parents need a break, have to go out of town and cannot bring them with them (like in our case with little A), emergency situations such as CPS investigations into the foster home, or emergency situations where a child would be in transition from one home to another, or for any other reason where a foster child needs to be in a temporary situation until they can be back or placed with permanent foster parents. As a respite provider, you know your time is short. For us, we knew that we had a week with little A and that would be it. She would go back to her aunt (her foster mom) at the end of that week and that we may never see her again. We have no right to see her. That’s the hard part. The goodbye, the unknown. Especially with little A. She stole our hearts pretty fast and saying goodbye has been incredibly difficult. Every little thing in our house reminds me of her. The white ring on the counter where her toothbrush stood, the smell of her room, the sippy cups in the dishwasher, the kiddie pool drying on the deck, the absence of toddler giggles, the morning without her crazy curly hair and sleepy big blue eyes smiling at me. She is missed. She is someone, that had she been a permanent placement for us, we would definitely adopt her if the opportunity arose. That may seem silly since we only knew her a week but that’s how special she is to us. Fortunately, her foster mom loved the thought of us babysitting if she ever needed us to and she sounds like she will take us up on that offer. But it is still unknown if we’ll ever see her again. I wonder where life will take her. Will she ever be reunited with her mom? Will she ever get the family she so deserves? I don’t know. And she won’t be the first kid that I’ll wonder about this. That is the hard part.

2.)…but it’s worth it.
    Every little heartbreak is so worth it. Not only is it worth it for every little moment we had with her; it’s worth it because she deserves to be safe. As an adult, I should be taking the brunt of the emotional heartbreak, not her. At two-and-a-half, she’s already had too much turmoil and upheaval in her life. She needs to be taken care of and loved unconditionally. I hope that not every goodbye is this hard. But even if it is, I know that this is what Brand and I are called to do. We have a part to play in the lives of the children that pass through our homes no matter how quickly they pass through. That part may end in tears and sadness every time, but this is our calling. This is how we will serve the Lord.

3.)Brand is going to be an amazing father.
    I mean…amazing! Brand is not an experienced caretaker of children. He’s a fantastic Uncle Boo to Ollie and Addy but he’s never had to discipline or spend an entire day (let alone a week) with a child. But Brand is a natural. His patience is clear (though I’m sure inside he felt differently), his ability to discipline and be consistent is something I’ll be taking notes on, and he can totally handle a poopy diaper now. That’s right, he’s changed his first diaper…ever! But Brand isn’t just the stern dad that is needed, he is the compassionate father that is also so needed. He gave kisses to boo-boos, comforted her when she cried, made her laugh, played  endless amounts of silly games with her, he cuddled her as he read Five Little Monkeys for the 10th time in a row. But it wasn’t just these that made him a natural, it’s how big his heart opened. Immediately, he jumped into the parent role. He immediately saw the preciousness of this little girl and felt the need to protect her and care for her as his own, even if just for a week. I have no doubt that our little boy will experience the same love, but even more, and the same awesome parenting that little A experienced this week. Our boy is going to be so blessed to call Brand “daddy”.

4.)Enjoy the little things
    Call me Doom and Gloom if you must but sometimes I get so caught up in how even if things are good that something bad will happen. Loving people means letting go at some point. Usually when they die. For little A, I had to shake myself out of the thoughts that at the end of the week with her, we may never see her again. I would focus on that. It wasn’t until we were playing in the backyard and she was covered head-to-toe in mud and having so much fun, that I saw it differently. Our time is short with her, so instead of thinking “this is the last breakfast with her”, “this is the last goodnight kiss”, I tried to enjoy the moment. Now, God-willing, I’ll have a lot of time with our little boy. But I know that before I know it, he’ll be grown up and onto the next stage. I hope I can remember this lesson and enjoy every bit of my time with him. Instead of thinking about how short my time is, I’ll be in that moment with him soaking in every little blessing.

5.)This is what we’re supposed to do
    I stated this a little bit earlier but I cannot stress it enough about how it feels to know in a very specific way how God wants you to serve him and serve others. We started foster care because we weren’t having luck with pregnancies or getting pregnant. We thought “hey our hearts are opened and why wait forever to parent a child, even if it isn’t biologically ours?” We went into it with the intent of adoption. We still believe in adopting and we believe that one day we’ll adopt a child through foster care (or 2 or 3...) but we believe in caring for the “orphans”, for the children that are in foster care. Our passion and our knowing of our calling grew stronger when we started classes, which were after we were already pregnant. Even after we felt more confident that this pregnancy would remain viable, we knew that foster care was still what we were supposed to do. We don’t have a lot of money or space but we believe God will take care of us especially since we are doing what he wants us to. He’s put a fire in our hearts for foster children and we have no intention of ignoring that. Little A was the serious confirmation that we have found our calling for us at this time. Caring for her filled us with purpose and we knew that we were doing what God put us on Earth to do. We owe little A  a lot for that. We’ll take a break after the baby is born to give the attention to our baby he deserves, attention that a lot of foster children are robbed of at birth and we don’t want to rob him of that. But we will prayerfully consider when to jump into full-time, non-respite foster care. We may adopt, we may not. We believe God will guide us and tell us who (if anyone) is supposed to be a part of our forever family. We are excited to grow our family in so many ways.

I also want to thank my family, friends, and small group members for being there for us during this big first in our lives. The prayers, the toys, the dinnertime tips, the interest, and the support is immeasurable. And I appreciate the love and support as I deal with the goodbye. It’s been 24 hours since I’ve seen her and it’s been tough, I miss her so much but I know it’ll get easier. And soon we’ll have another foster kiddo to care for, another little heart to love, and another way to serve the Lord.