Lessons learned in a mud puddle

We’ve just spent a blessed week with a little girl (whom we’ll call “little A”) and it’s already been a weird adjustment to life without her. But this is something we’ll have to get used to and, in part to always wanting to make my late grandma Bert proud, I want to focus on what we learned during this too-fast week. (Warning: This may be long; I’ve learned a lot!)

1.) Being a foster parent (respite or otherwise) is hard…
    All the regular stuff of being a caretaker of a child for an extended amount of time is hard of course. Dealing with tantrums, potty training, bed times, having a schedule interrupted, etc. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about the goodbye and the unknown. Currently, until the baby is born, we are respite foster parents. Which means we are licensed foster parents who provide care for children who already have permanent foster parents and need a temporary home because their foster parents need a break, have to go out of town and cannot bring them with them (like in our case with little A), emergency situations such as CPS investigations into the foster home, or emergency situations where a child would be in transition from one home to another, or for any other reason where a foster child needs to be in a temporary situation until they can be back or placed with permanent foster parents. As a respite provider, you know your time is short. For us, we knew that we had a week with little A and that would be it. She would go back to her aunt (her foster mom) at the end of that week and that we may never see her again. We have no right to see her. That’s the hard part. The goodbye, the unknown. Especially with little A. She stole our hearts pretty fast and saying goodbye has been incredibly difficult. Every little thing in our house reminds me of her. The white ring on the counter where her toothbrush stood, the smell of her room, the sippy cups in the dishwasher, the kiddie pool drying on the deck, the absence of toddler giggles, the morning without her crazy curly hair and sleepy big blue eyes smiling at me. She is missed. She is someone, that had she been a permanent placement for us, we would definitely adopt her if the opportunity arose. That may seem silly since we only knew her a week but that’s how special she is to us. Fortunately, her foster mom loved the thought of us babysitting if she ever needed us to and she sounds like she will take us up on that offer. But it is still unknown if we’ll ever see her again. I wonder where life will take her. Will she ever be reunited with her mom? Will she ever get the family she so deserves? I don’t know. And she won’t be the first kid that I’ll wonder about this. That is the hard part.

2.)…but it’s worth it.
    Every little heartbreak is so worth it. Not only is it worth it for every little moment we had with her; it’s worth it because she deserves to be safe. As an adult, I should be taking the brunt of the emotional heartbreak, not her. At two-and-a-half, she’s already had too much turmoil and upheaval in her life. She needs to be taken care of and loved unconditionally. I hope that not every goodbye is this hard. But even if it is, I know that this is what Brand and I are called to do. We have a part to play in the lives of the children that pass through our homes no matter how quickly they pass through. That part may end in tears and sadness every time, but this is our calling. This is how we will serve the Lord.

3.)Brand is going to be an amazing father.
    I mean…amazing! Brand is not an experienced caretaker of children. He’s a fantastic Uncle Boo to Ollie and Addy but he’s never had to discipline or spend an entire day (let alone a week) with a child. But Brand is a natural. His patience is clear (though I’m sure inside he felt differently), his ability to discipline and be consistent is something I’ll be taking notes on, and he can totally handle a poopy diaper now. That’s right, he’s changed his first diaper…ever! But Brand isn’t just the stern dad that is needed, he is the compassionate father that is also so needed. He gave kisses to boo-boos, comforted her when she cried, made her laugh, played  endless amounts of silly games with her, he cuddled her as he read Five Little Monkeys for the 10th time in a row. But it wasn’t just these that made him a natural, it’s how big his heart opened. Immediately, he jumped into the parent role. He immediately saw the preciousness of this little girl and felt the need to protect her and care for her as his own, even if just for a week. I have no doubt that our little boy will experience the same love, but even more, and the same awesome parenting that little A experienced this week. Our boy is going to be so blessed to call Brand “daddy”.

4.)Enjoy the little things
    Call me Doom and Gloom if you must but sometimes I get so caught up in how even if things are good that something bad will happen. Loving people means letting go at some point. Usually when they die. For little A, I had to shake myself out of the thoughts that at the end of the week with her, we may never see her again. I would focus on that. It wasn’t until we were playing in the backyard and she was covered head-to-toe in mud and having so much fun, that I saw it differently. Our time is short with her, so instead of thinking “this is the last breakfast with her”, “this is the last goodnight kiss”, I tried to enjoy the moment. Now, God-willing, I’ll have a lot of time with our little boy. But I know that before I know it, he’ll be grown up and onto the next stage. I hope I can remember this lesson and enjoy every bit of my time with him. Instead of thinking about how short my time is, I’ll be in that moment with him soaking in every little blessing.

5.)This is what we’re supposed to do
    I stated this a little bit earlier but I cannot stress it enough about how it feels to know in a very specific way how God wants you to serve him and serve others. We started foster care because we weren’t having luck with pregnancies or getting pregnant. We thought “hey our hearts are opened and why wait forever to parent a child, even if it isn’t biologically ours?” We went into it with the intent of adoption. We still believe in adopting and we believe that one day we’ll adopt a child through foster care (or 2 or 3...) but we believe in caring for the “orphans”, for the children that are in foster care. Our passion and our knowing of our calling grew stronger when we started classes, which were after we were already pregnant. Even after we felt more confident that this pregnancy would remain viable, we knew that foster care was still what we were supposed to do. We don’t have a lot of money or space but we believe God will take care of us especially since we are doing what he wants us to. He’s put a fire in our hearts for foster children and we have no intention of ignoring that. Little A was the serious confirmation that we have found our calling for us at this time. Caring for her filled us with purpose and we knew that we were doing what God put us on Earth to do. We owe little A  a lot for that. We’ll take a break after the baby is born to give the attention to our baby he deserves, attention that a lot of foster children are robbed of at birth and we don’t want to rob him of that. But we will prayerfully consider when to jump into full-time, non-respite foster care. We may adopt, we may not. We believe God will guide us and tell us who (if anyone) is supposed to be a part of our forever family. We are excited to grow our family in so many ways.

I also want to thank my family, friends, and small group members for being there for us during this big first in our lives. The prayers, the toys, the dinnertime tips, the interest, and the support is immeasurable. And I appreciate the love and support as I deal with the goodbye. It’s been 24 hours since I’ve seen her and it’s been tough, I miss her so much but I know it’ll get easier. And soon we’ll have another foster kiddo to care for, another little heart to love, and another way to serve the Lord.

My Three Kids

I can't believe that a little over a year since we lost our first Sweet Pea, that I'm writing this as my baby boy kicks in my belly. It's been a long, hard, but so rewarding journey. We've been through utter devastation and heartbreak. We learned how to repair our hearts and how to seek the Lord even though we didn't want to. We learned that awful things happen but beauty can just be right around the corner. Our Sweet Peas opened our hearts more than we ever thought possible. We loved deeper and richer for the littlest humans we have ever met. It is because of them and through the Lord's mercy and grace that we are where we are now. It is because of them that we are becoming foster parents and it is because of them that every moment with this little boy in my belly is more precious than the last. I think of them everyday and it is bittersweet but I am blessed that my heart has three babies in it forever.
But now, I have a little boy who has stole my heart just like they did. And every day he takes a little bit more of it. Every little kick brings a smile to my face and sometimes a tear to my eye. I am so grateful for this miracle. He came at a time in our life when we didn't think it was going to happen. We were about to start fertility medications and had just turned in our foster application. Well the fertility medications are sitting unopened in our closet. As for the foster parenting, well it is still our passion. We are still going to become licensed. Since we have the room and the license (SOON!) we will be providing respite care to other foster parents when they need a break. We can have a kiddo for up to two weeks and might as well! Our hearts and our home is opened to it. Plus it'll give us great practice. As for when our son arrives, we will take some time off and hopefully dive into being full-time foster parents sometime next year. We do hope to adopt but mostly we hope to provide a loving, safe home to children in Spokane for however long they need. We still believe in foster parenting and we still believe becoming a forever family for a foster child is what the Lord has called us to do. We are so excited for all the children to come through our home, biological and foster.
So this is a big thank you to our Sweet Peas. They paved the way into our hearts and they'll never leave and we hope to make them proud to call us their mom and dad as we go out to take care of the orphans, just like we're commanded to do. And we hope that because of them, we can love our baby boy even more than we would have if it hadn't been for them.
And another thank you to our family, friends, and church family that have been so supportive and loving through our journey. And another thank you to the ladies that have reached out to me during this time with their stories of their angels. I share in your sorrow or your joy. We are bonded in a special (unasked-for) way and I think of you all often and pray for those days when you need peace.
And with that, I'm off to eat...again :)

A day honoring our Sweet Pea

Today has been a day I've been dreading. Today was the due date for our first Sweet Pea. It has been a long journey filled mostly with tears and growing pains. In my head this day was going to be filled with some really ugly crying, some severe shouting at God, and a total 6 month step back in my process of healing. However, the day turned out differently.
I took the day off work and was able to sleep in and spend 2 extra hours in bed laughing, talking, and reflecting with Brand. We also ate lunch at our favorite Thai restaurant to celebrate the life of our Sweet Pea. It was the first place we went to when we found out we were pregnant. We also bought some baby toys that we then donated to Sacred Heart Children's hospital. Sacred Heart is the hospital where our Sweet Pea would have been delivered and we wanted to do an act of kindness to honor our Sweet Pea. When Kelly, the giving coordinator, met us to take our donations she asked our story. (P.s. Kelly is massively pregnant. If you've ever been through a miscarriage then you know how difficult it is to see a pregnant woman..and they are everywhere). We told her that we had a miscarriage last year (cue crying to a stranger) and that today was our due date and that we wanted to make something positive out of something negative. Kelly was touched and shared that she had three miscarriages prior to her new baby on the way. She was so sweet and told us to come in when we have good news and that they hope to see us deliver there soon. (PPS she was one of three strangers today that were the sweetest people. Two didn't know our story but connected to us in other ways. It was a blessing on a day like this.)
Then tonight we lit a candle, listened to Blessed Be Your Name by Tree63 (a song we played at our wedding during communion to remind us that during the good and the bad we will always serve the Lord), and read letters that we wrote to Sweet Pea. There were some tears, especially when Brand read his. But in general the day was not too dreadful and it felt good to reach this milestone.
Next week we have orientation with DCFS to begin the process of becoming foster parents. It is weird that life has brought us here. We are so excited to become a forever family. Even though this is something we've always wanted to do, we never would have done this so soon if it wasn't for our Sweet Pea. In some ways, the foster parenting route could bring even more heartache (it is possible to have a child in our care for 2 years and then just given to some deadbeat dad or something...awesome) but if anything has taught us it is that being a mom and dad is not about us. Though this process may hurt us a lot and it is going to be difficult it is about the children that need a home not about two people that just want kids.So we're excited to take on this challenge, be humbled, and ultimately fall in love with some rockin' kids.

PPPS If you were wondering where Sweet Pea came from, when I was pregnant my little app on my phone would say how big the baby was. One day I read it and told Brand "Our baby is the size of a sweet pea!" I love sweet peas because they are the April birth flower so I loved it. Re-read it and it said "small pea". But Sweet Pea stuck :)

Never were there such devoted sisters

This weekend my big sister Julie visited. It was one of the best weekends I have had in awhile. We laughed and talked a lot. We just relaxed and watched some Olympics complete with Julie's hilarious commentary. We spent Saturday in beautiful Sandpoint having lunch at my in-law's lake house and giving them a break getting it ready for the next renters. We walked around Sandpoint and had delicious ice cream and yummy chocolate truffles.
But mostly, Julie and I did our sister thing. Julie was my first best friend, my first teacher, and really my first hero. Being nearly six and a half years older than me, Julie was my idol. I did everything she did and liked everything she liked.That set a pretty good foundation of a great sister-ship. Spending time with her makes me feel bad for anyone who doesn't have a sister. Sisters are incredible blessings. Even though we're so different being sisters has linked us for life.
Luckily, I get to see her in two weeks where I get to see her new house for the first time and I'm excited to help her paint it :)

Here's some highlights:

• Julie's impeccable Indian accent. Teaching numerous Indian children+her incredible knack for accents=spot on performance
• Friends bloopers! 
• Olympic watching
• Cake batter milkshakes
• Sister antics (throwing flip flops off the second story deck at the lake house..good one Julie!)
• Sister brainwaves. Yes we are different in so many ways but we are so alike in so many ways mainly humor and our brilliant timing.
• Julie distracting me so much I go into the wrong parking lot and leave the root beer at the cash register. 
• Endless talking
• Her amazing point of view. She thinks of things I definitely don't.

In case you were wondering if we were always this cute and hilarious...check out this picture.

Much love to my built-in friend :)

The 90's

Anyone that consciously grew up in the 90's probably has a bit of a love affair of anything 90's. The music, the (ugly) clothes, the TV, the events, the catchphrases, etc all bring about some nostalgia. Since I was a child without any responsibilities, anything related to the 90's makes me actually...relax. Though I don't think I'll ever go back to the clothes, anything else I'm willing to relive. A year ago we celebrated my dear Mollie's 25th birthday as a 90's themed party (another 90's lover) and Brand obtained 1000 90's songs that I now have on my iTunes, it's pretty awesome. When I'm in the mood, I turn on the mix and relive the memories. Sometimes I'll even specifically go to the Spice Girls and sing all the songs (because I somehow know all the words). It's..fun. It's ridiculous, carefree fun. I love it.
This 90's love has seeped over into my Netflix choices. My Netflix Instant Queue is full of 90's TV shows I was too young to watch at the time but now can appreciate. Currently I'm watching Ally McBeal and I love it. John Cage and Richard Fish are two of the funniest characters I've seen on television. Plus I love Portia di Rossi in everything she does.Also Jesse L. Martin of Law and Order:SVU fame has a guest arc in the show where he sings a lot (I really wish that he was allowed to sing when I was obsessed with SVU, that man has a beautiful voice). I know this is a show I would've gathered my girlfriends for every week and dissected it when it was over. (We would all be complaining about Ally this I can guarantee). Instead I was watching Home Improvement drooling over JTT like what a pre-teen should have been doing.
After Ally McBeal I have Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Dawson's Creek, Felicity, Twin Peaks, (and more I can't think of) all ready for me to live in the 90's again. (A lot of my Netflix library also has a good chunk of British TV shows, this is a love affair that exists not out of nostalgia but out of appreciation for their humor). So if you want to take a step back into time where not every person had a cell phone (and when they do they were as big as cinder blocks), a time without Facebook, a time of cheaper gas, a time of boy bands, a time of grunge rock, a time of "as if" and "whatever"*, then come on by I'm probably watching 90's greatest hits.

Source

*If you ever want to watch Clueless too, let me know. I own it and will happily watch with you but I will warn you, I probably know every word to that movie and can't watch it without saying them all.

Thank you

Wow. A big wow. After I posted my last blog regarding my decision to look at the positive and begin to move forward after our miscarriage, I had an outpouring of support and I wanted to take the time to thank all the people who have helped me and Brand in this journey.
 To all those who have been there for me during this terrible experience I thank you. Thank you Cassie for sitting with me and Brand in the ER and for taking our minds off our tragedy if even for a minute. Thank you to the rest of my friends who have sent cards, who have prayed, and who always do their best to make me smile. Thank you to my family and extended family who have cried with me, prayed for me, and who have blessed me with their wisdom, and who didn't say the cliche things most people say but who hurt with me. Thank you to my small group ladies and leaders who have given me their shoulders, time, and prayers. Who have cried with me over our shared experience. I love you all.
And thank you to the people who reached out and commented on my blog or my Facebook posting. You guys have given me so much strength. A lot of you said I inspire you or that I am strong, and while I thank you for those kind words I must admit I am so weak. I have been the definition of weak these last 7 weeks. But you guys have given me the encouragement I need to move forward. The ladies who have shared their own experiences with me have given me an example of strength. If they can get through what they got through, then I truly believe I can be happy again. I cannot thank you all enough for what you have been to me.
When I miscarried, I promised our Sweet Pea that I would not disappoint him/her. I would make my Sweet Pea proud. And that's what I plan on doing, and with all of your encouragement, I know I can do that.
With the help of your words and my husband's endless support, I feel strong enough to get through this.
But mostly, I thank my Lord and Savior who is my Strength. I have not been the nicest to Him these last seven weeks but I cannot deny any longer that I need His strength. Truthfully, I miss Him.
Just because I'm choosing to move on and reclaim my life, does not mean I will ever forget my Sweet Pea and what he/she meant to me in those two short weeks I knew him/her. I will think of my Sweet Pea everyday. I hope when I think of my Sweet Pea I don't get sad, but rather I get excited to live this life I've been blessed with that could have easily been taken from me. I'll think of my Sweet Pea in Heaven and be happy that they don't have to experience this cruel world.
So again, thank you for your encouragement, your words have not fallen on deaf ears but have rather ignited a fire inside me. Thank you.

Looking Ahead

I've written five blog posts since our miscarriage. None of them are posted. It's pretty heavy stuff, so heavy I just don't feel like letting every person in the world read them. So I've decided to post a light-hearted and hopeful (a word I loathe using right now but am forcing myself to use it) post with a look into the future.
Brand and I are trying to distract ourselves from thinking too much about our Sweet Pea so we've decided to start taking further steps into our plans. So here is what we are looking forward to in the next few months:
1.) Maui! We are going to Maui in September for our 3 year anniversary. It was originally going to be a babymoon but we are excited to go back to the place of our honeymoon. We are blessed enough to have parents (Brand's parents) who own a condo on the beach. We got to honeymoon there and now we get to go back. It'll be fun to go back to our favorite spots and also create new memories. Brand and I need to get away from the sadness this year has brought us and just relax, just him and me.
2.) Julie is visiting in August! My big sis is coming back for more. She so eloquently said last time she was here that living in Spokane means that when people come visit you it's to visit YOU and not to see the sites. It's true, we showed her what we wanted to last time so we'll have to get creative. Maybe Greenbluff?
3.)Hurley!yui (Hurley wrote those last three letters) Hurley is our newest addition. He's the puppy that has me occupied a million times a day. He's the little guy that keeps my mind off the tragedy that consumes every thought. He's also one of the enticing reasons for Julie to come visit. Julie has a soft spot for dogs and she's excited to meet her new nephew.
4.) Little things like: the Olympics!, BBQing, walks in our favorite park, watching Dr. Who and Breaking Bad on Netflix, swimming in Lake CDA, floating the Omak River, ice cream, sno cones, etc.
5.) Buying a house? Brand and I have been saving to buy a house and the market is great now and we really need to jump on it before things start turning around. We are blessed enough to have a mom (Brand's) who is a shark of a realtor and has offered to be ours (which would mean about 3% off our cost of the house because she'd be doing it for nothing). She's good at what she does and she's the one you want at a used car dealer, plus she's an expert as a realtor and as a multiple homebuyer ( my in-laws own 6 homes, one they live in, the rest they rent out, I think they may know a thing or two about buying homes).
AND...
6.) Trying for our rainbow baby (a rainbow baby is a baby born live after a miscarriage or stillbirth). We are very close to being able to try again. We would be able to try right now but we opted to take caution and wait a little bit longer. Plus, I don't think I'm in a good enough emotional state. The thought of another miscarriage scares me enough to almost never try again. But the thought of finally holding a live baby in my arms makes me feel like it'll be worth the risk. We're hoping to be just as lucky this time around and get pregnant right away, but I'm not holding my breath. Either way, if you're reading this, friend, family, or stranger, we're looking forward to sharing good news with you..when/if we reach the 2nd trimester. These cautious parents just got more cautious.

It seems like life is always about new adventures, good or bad, and we're trying to navigate it the best we can.We're hoping these new adventures will bring much needed joy and happiness into our lives. No matter what, I'm happy to know that I have an amazing husband by my side. I'm blessed to know that the worst of the worse doesn't scare him away but draws him closer to me. I seriously have the best husband in the world. The most amazing man. I could not ask for a better partner to help shoulder the tough times but also to enjoy the wonderful.