Thank you

Wow. A big wow. After I posted my last blog regarding my decision to look at the positive and begin to move forward after our miscarriage, I had an outpouring of support and I wanted to take the time to thank all the people who have helped me and Brand in this journey.
 To all those who have been there for me during this terrible experience I thank you. Thank you Cassie for sitting with me and Brand in the ER and for taking our minds off our tragedy if even for a minute. Thank you to the rest of my friends who have sent cards, who have prayed, and who always do their best to make me smile. Thank you to my family and extended family who have cried with me, prayed for me, and who have blessed me with their wisdom, and who didn't say the cliche things most people say but who hurt with me. Thank you to my small group ladies and leaders who have given me their shoulders, time, and prayers. Who have cried with me over our shared experience. I love you all.
And thank you to the people who reached out and commented on my blog or my Facebook posting. You guys have given me so much strength. A lot of you said I inspire you or that I am strong, and while I thank you for those kind words I must admit I am so weak. I have been the definition of weak these last 7 weeks. But you guys have given me the encouragement I need to move forward. The ladies who have shared their own experiences with me have given me an example of strength. If they can get through what they got through, then I truly believe I can be happy again. I cannot thank you all enough for what you have been to me.
When I miscarried, I promised our Sweet Pea that I would not disappoint him/her. I would make my Sweet Pea proud. And that's what I plan on doing, and with all of your encouragement, I know I can do that.
With the help of your words and my husband's endless support, I feel strong enough to get through this.
But mostly, I thank my Lord and Savior who is my Strength. I have not been the nicest to Him these last seven weeks but I cannot deny any longer that I need His strength. Truthfully, I miss Him.
Just because I'm choosing to move on and reclaim my life, does not mean I will ever forget my Sweet Pea and what he/she meant to me in those two short weeks I knew him/her. I will think of my Sweet Pea everyday. I hope when I think of my Sweet Pea I don't get sad, but rather I get excited to live this life I've been blessed with that could have easily been taken from me. I'll think of my Sweet Pea in Heaven and be happy that they don't have to experience this cruel world.
So again, thank you for your encouragement, your words have not fallen on deaf ears but have rather ignited a fire inside me. Thank you.

Looking Ahead

I've written five blog posts since our miscarriage. None of them are posted. It's pretty heavy stuff, so heavy I just don't feel like letting every person in the world read them. So I've decided to post a light-hearted and hopeful (a word I loathe using right now but am forcing myself to use it) post with a look into the future.
Brand and I are trying to distract ourselves from thinking too much about our Sweet Pea so we've decided to start taking further steps into our plans. So here is what we are looking forward to in the next few months:
1.) Maui! We are going to Maui in September for our 3 year anniversary. It was originally going to be a babymoon but we are excited to go back to the place of our honeymoon. We are blessed enough to have parents (Brand's parents) who own a condo on the beach. We got to honeymoon there and now we get to go back. It'll be fun to go back to our favorite spots and also create new memories. Brand and I need to get away from the sadness this year has brought us and just relax, just him and me.
2.) Julie is visiting in August! My big sis is coming back for more. She so eloquently said last time she was here that living in Spokane means that when people come visit you it's to visit YOU and not to see the sites. It's true, we showed her what we wanted to last time so we'll have to get creative. Maybe Greenbluff?
3.)Hurley!yui (Hurley wrote those last three letters) Hurley is our newest addition. He's the puppy that has me occupied a million times a day. He's the little guy that keeps my mind off the tragedy that consumes every thought. He's also one of the enticing reasons for Julie to come visit. Julie has a soft spot for dogs and she's excited to meet her new nephew.
4.) Little things like: the Olympics!, BBQing, walks in our favorite park, watching Dr. Who and Breaking Bad on Netflix, swimming in Lake CDA, floating the Omak River, ice cream, sno cones, etc.
5.) Buying a house? Brand and I have been saving to buy a house and the market is great now and we really need to jump on it before things start turning around. We are blessed enough to have a mom (Brand's) who is a shark of a realtor and has offered to be ours (which would mean about 3% off our cost of the house because she'd be doing it for nothing). She's good at what she does and she's the one you want at a used car dealer, plus she's an expert as a realtor and as a multiple homebuyer ( my in-laws own 6 homes, one they live in, the rest they rent out, I think they may know a thing or two about buying homes).
AND...
6.) Trying for our rainbow baby (a rainbow baby is a baby born live after a miscarriage or stillbirth). We are very close to being able to try again. We would be able to try right now but we opted to take caution and wait a little bit longer. Plus, I don't think I'm in a good enough emotional state. The thought of another miscarriage scares me enough to almost never try again. But the thought of finally holding a live baby in my arms makes me feel like it'll be worth the risk. We're hoping to be just as lucky this time around and get pregnant right away, but I'm not holding my breath. Either way, if you're reading this, friend, family, or stranger, we're looking forward to sharing good news with you..when/if we reach the 2nd trimester. These cautious parents just got more cautious.

It seems like life is always about new adventures, good or bad, and we're trying to navigate it the best we can.We're hoping these new adventures will bring much needed joy and happiness into our lives. No matter what, I'm happy to know that I have an amazing husband by my side. I'm blessed to know that the worst of the worse doesn't scare him away but draws him closer to me. I seriously have the best husband in the world. The most amazing man. I could not ask for a better partner to help shoulder the tough times but also to enjoy the wonderful.

My Sweet Pea never blossomed

When a child is conceived, they don't just make room in the womb, but they make room in the heart. Not just the mother's heart but the father's and the family's. They make room in the dreams of the future to come.

When this child is taken too soon, when it leaves the womb unborn, they never leave the heart. The dreams of the future are gone but the heart is where that baby resides now.

Unfortunately, losing a baby leaves you brokenhearted. Leaves you feeling empty in so many ways knowing that the baby you loved before you knew them is no longer alive. The only comfort I find as a mother with an angel baby is knowing that that baby is in Heaven, a place I would rather be at this point in time. But I can't. I'm stuck here on Earth empty-handed, with an empty womb but not an empty heart.

I love you my dear Sweet Pea more than you'll ever know.

Dearest Spring, I adore you!

Spring is here! And as if the beautiful weather didn't tip you off, here are a few ways that we know spring has arrived in the Adams house.

1.) Dexter hair is everywhere! He's shedding his winter coat and I'm left to pick it all up. Which means I'm vacuuming and sweeping twice as much. But the sunshine totally makes up for it.

2.) Outdoor cooking. Brand is a grillmaster and we take full advantage of our grill.

3.) The debate begins! This will be our third spring and summer in our home and yes we are without AC. Now this desert girl is slowly getting un-used to living without AC (I grew up in Boise which is much hotter than Spokane and I did it all without AC, if you need tips on how to survive, talk to me) so each year Brand and I discuss whether we should move our beautiful TV down to our cool basement (an option I didn't have as a child!). We always decide to tough it out but this year the basement might seduce us into its cool arms. Temptress.

4.) Camping thoughts! We dream of camping with our awesome camping gear (thank you family!) but we do not go as often as we'd like. Let's hope that changes this year.

5.) Dandelions! They are springing up and not quite in force like they did last year but any minute they will take over the neighborhood for a couple of weeks before they skulk away.

6.) Tennis! The rackets have already been busted out and Brand has begun his annual tennis lessons to his one and only student, me! Maybe something will stick this year :)

What are your signs of spring?

Adelaide is here!

Today my little niece is 2 weeks old! Things have been a bit busy and I've been devoting my time to other tasks than this blog so I apologize for the delay of the announcement of the birth of the newest blessing in our life. We were so blessed to be able to go home for a three day weekend to briefly visit the newest in the family. Brand's work had already given them Good Friday off and my co-workers and boss are so gracious to allow me to take off an unexpected Friday (and Saturday pet food duty, thanks Heidi!). We met my mom in Lewiston who was there for work and we caravanned through beautiful Idaho to meet my big brother's little lady.
She spent a few days under the bili lights to get a little suntan and the poor thing got poked and prodded and had cracking skin because of the dryness caused by the lights, but she is a little trooper and is happy to be with her family now.
Let me tell you. Seeing my big brother gush over his little girl is one of my new favorite things. He has been such a great dad to Ollie and now I get to see him be a dad to a little girl! (One of my most favorite things is seeing a dad with his daughter!). And seeing Rheanne handle having a second child in the house like a pro is pretty impressive. Ollie can be a handful and is always the center of attention but Rheanne knows her little boy better than anyone and knows exactly how to meet his needs and precious Adelaide. I'm very proud to call her my sister (in-law).
I have to say that I fell in love with Adelaide and her various faces, her red hair, her tiny body, and her long feet (and toes!). She is a very active dreamer and loves to snuggle. I can't wait to see her again!
Little Addy is such a blessing to my already blessed life. I'm so proud to be called her aunt!

Adelaide Marie Ekhoff. Born April 3 2:02 am (MT) 7 lbs 13 oz 20 in long

I'm a lover, therefore I'm a fighter.

I think I can call it. This February has been the longest of my life. I feel like January flew by and February is just sneering at me taking its time. I've said earlier that I want time to march slowly these days, and I continue to see the beauty of time slowed down a bit but this is a bit ridiculous. I also haven't contributed to the blogosphere since the end of January so maybe that's it. But truthfully, I believe it's because life has been quite...unforgiving.
I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing husband, wonderful family, fantastic friends, and an income (look I know my adjectives!).
That being said:
1.) My husband continues to show me how truly blessed I am every step of our marriage. As life and circumstances in our life become increasingly heavy and mortal, I've learned how blessed I really am to have my best friend by my side. He's been my rock as I've cried through my dad's diagnosis and prognosis. He is always showing me God's grace in placing me with my most perfect partner. But lately, he's had to lean on me as well. His best friend since childhood was diagnosed with a type of lymphoma. Lucas bravely began his fight last week with his first round of chemotherapy. After fighting for our country in Afghanistan, he is now fighting for his life. Brand is an optimist in these things but I think even being an optimist for my dad's situation (which is mostly futile unless a miracle happens, which we do believe can!) and then being an optimist for Lucas (which is MUCH more likely, praise the Lord!) can be a bit difficult. So I'm learning how to be strong for Brand as well. God's teaching both of us the fragility of life and that we must depend on Him for our strength.

2.) As stated above, my dad's terminal diagnosis still stands after another round of tests. He's doing well right now as long as he doesn't push himself in exercise. Try to tell a former marathoner, crazy bike rider, hiking lover, insane snowboarder, and all around athlete to stop exercising. It's hard. It appears his medication is helping more than is normal for people. He goes in for another round of tests in May to address his progress but according to his doctors, the diagnosis still stands as ALS. It was devastating to me to hear this news. To see him doing so well at Christmas and then again in January after how fast he was declining brought a lot of hope and then to have my hopes crushed was incredibly difficult for me to deal with even though my dad is at peace with it. It weighs on me to plan our lives accordingly so that we can spend as much time with my dad as possible. Hopefully, he has many years ahead of him but even if he does, those years will most likely not be full of him as he is now.

3.) As if attacking my husband and my family weren't enough, now one of my best friends faces a potential cancer fight. I pray that God will spare her at the very least. She's been incredibly strong in this and she truly inspires me. I love her to death and I will be right there by her side no matter what but I still have hope that God has a different plan. And if not, then I will be there to watch an already strong woman show cancer who's boss.

4.) Work has been incredibly stressful. My caseload has increased exponentially and that means more people to visit, more referrals to make, just more work, in the same amount of time I had before (which is not a lot).

Needless to say: I'm exhausted..mentally, emotionally, and physically.

BUT...
There are three people mentioned above that are really in the midst of these hardships that have the real fight ahead of them. As much as I wish I could take their place, I cannot. So I pray for guidance, words of encouragement, and my heart to be available as much as they need it.
And, I must say, I'm incredibly grateful that I have people in my life that I love so much that their heartbreaks are my heartbreaks, that their successes are even better than my successes, and that their fight takes precedent over my "fights". And with all that, I have a job doing what I love with people I love.
Complaining and "woe is me" attitude is futile because there is someone out there fighting against something harder than you are. Guaranteed. Be grateful for the life you have and look out for those fighting a bigger fight and fight alongside them.

Legacy

This past weekend Brand and I jetted down to Boise for a quick, but blessed weekend. We got to spend Saturday celebrating the 90 years of life God has given my beautiful Grandma Louise (and according to her doctor, she's living until she's 96, but she's aiming for 100..atta girl!)
Let's run the numbers real quick
3: The number of kids she birthed, raised, comforted, and loved
7: The number of grandkids that have sat on her lap, played with her ancient toys, and delighted in her yummy quesadillas
6: The number of great-grandkids that have brought the name "grandma" or "grandpa" to the children she birthed.
3: The number of great-great-grandkids that have begun a new generation in her legacy.


That's my grandma. A legacy leaver.
Celebrating with my cousins and the rest of the family was so much fun. I saw family I hadn't seen in years. And we laughed and joked like we had just seen each other yesterday. That's because we all have that firey Ekhoff blood in us that connects us. Basically, we're all hilarious and quick on our feet.
But the greatest part, was honoring our Grandma Louise. This woman is unlike any other woman I've met. She is tiny but so strong. She is quiet but oh-so-smart. She is ambitious, but a hopeless romantic. One of my favorite memories of my grandma actually happened within the last couple years. She brought out her yearbooks and we browsed through them. Page after page something caught my eye. My grandma was in almost every club she could be in as a woman in the late 30's. She was president of almost every club and even captain of her basketball team. She was smart, ambitious, and a go-getter. My dad then told me that she had received a full scholarship to University of Idaho but didn't tell my grandpa John because she knew that he would make her go and get her education and all she wanted to do was get married to the love of her life. My grandpa found out much later and got pretty mad (mad props to my grandpa for being a forward-thinker). That's my grandma, one smart lady. Also, she still wears her wedding ring 40 years after my grandpa died, loves her BSU Broncos, calls Josh out on his board game cheating ways, and rocks at Scattergories. My grandma rocks.
Happy 90th Grandma! Can't wait to celebrate your 100th!